[Flashback to Moscow, USSR, 1986]

As I bent over my schoolbooks, finishing up the last of my homework, there was a soft knock on my bedroom door.

"Come in," I said, softly, and was surprised to see my brother poke his head into my room. We hadn't spoken much since our parents divorced three years before, so it was a rare and pleasant surprise when he decided to look in on me. "Hi, Pavlusha."

"Valya..." He looked so nervous, I wanted to laugh.

"What's wrong?"

"I'm going away," he said, breathlessly, eyes flashing with excitement. "I'm going to travel with the Soviet national midget team!"

I stared at him, my chest swelling with jealousy. "Really?"

He nodded, unable to keep a grin from sneaking onto his face. "Yes, I'm so excited, Valya. We're going to travel to Ottawa, Peterborough, Kitchener, Toronto, Winnipeg, Regina, Edmonton, Vancouver... It's going to be so much fun! We each get two hundred dollars - American - to spend on the trip, too! I'll bring you and Mama presents..." His eyes darkened a bit, and he allowed his shoulders to slump.

"But...?" I asked.

"I'm going to miss you... Papa said I shouldn't be such a wimp, but...the thought of not seeing you or Mama kind of..." He paused, shrugging his shoulders. "I guess I should say, I won't miss Papa, but I'll miss you and Mama."

"He only does what he thinks is best, Pavlusha," I said, closing my text book and getting up to join him in the middle of my room.

He nodded, grimly. "Sometimes I just can't stand him... Maybe I'll defect."

"You can't do that!" I cried, grabbing his shoulders. "They'd never let you back into Moscow! You'd become a traitor to the country!"

He shrugged. "I want to play hockey in North America, one day. If I have to defect, I'll do it. I'll do whatever it takes."

The determination in his eyes frightened me, and I dropped my hands from his shoulders. "I wouldn't do that, Pavlusha."

He nodded. "I know. You're smarter than I am."

"But you have more talent," I countered, smiling at him, hoping to crack his icy veneer.

Pavlusha allowed a smile to sneak onto his face. "I'm sorry about leaving you alone with Papa. With me gone, he'll be all over you now."

"I won't mind," I replied, shoving my hands into my pockets. "He only ever spends his free time with you. It would be nice to have him pay attention to me some time."

Pavlusha took me in his arms and gave me an awkward hug. "I'm sure you'll be fine, Valya. You're stronger AND smarter than I am. We both know Papa wishes I was as smart as you are."

"And he wishes I was as talented as YOU are," I replied. "I'll miss you... Good luck... I'll check the newspapers to see if you're mentioned."

Pavlusha didn't let go. Instead, he tightened his grip around me, and it wasn't until I felt the wet warmth on my neck did I realise he was crying.

"What's wrong?" I pulled away as he wiped his eyes with the back of his hand.

"I'm sorry," he whimpered, sniffling loudly. "I love you, Valya. I want to protect you."

"From what?" I asked, confused by his irrational behavior.

"I'm leaving tomorrow, I..." He paused, shaking with his sobs, and I was more confused than ever. Pavlusha touched my neck, where I had been wetted with his tears, and smiled. "I'm sorry, Valya."

"It's all right," I whispered, very frightened by his odd behavior. Pavlusha kept his hand on my neck, and I began to go self-conscious. "Shouldn't you be going to bed, Pavlusha? Resting up for your trip?"

He licked his lips and lowered his eyes. "I..." He paused again, as if every time he did so, he gathered strength.

And then he kissed me. On the lips.

I stumbled back, my heart thumping wildly, as if it were trying to escape my chest. "Pavlush - " I began, but he covered my mouth with his warm hand.

"No no, shhh, please don't wake up Papa," he begged, frantically. "Valya..."

I pulled away from him. "Pavel Vladimir'ich!" I snapped at him, harshly, "you...you kissed me!"

He nodded, his eyes wetting with tears again. "I'm so...confused."

"You think YOU'RE confused?" I yelped, wiping the back of my hand over my mouth. "YOU kissed ME! You have no right to be confused!"

Pavel frowned, paused for a second, and shoved his hand back over my mouth. "Please, Valya," he whispered in my ear.

'Please what?'

"Let me."

I shook my head.

"I love you, Valya. I want to show you things," he whispered.

I closed my eyes.

"I can get you into the NHL," he whispered in my ear, brushing his lips against my earlobe.

I shook my head, unable to speak.

He slipped his hand under my shirt and pushed is over my head, pressing his lips against my skin. "It feels nice, does it not?"

Even though he moved his hand from my mouth, I was too frightened to speak. This wasn't supposed to be happening. I liked girls. There was a figure skater with CSKA that I had a crush on. I was going to ask her to skate with me on Saturday. I didn't like boys, and I especially didn't like Pavel doing this to me...

He kissed my chest. "Close your eyes and it will be the same as if it were another boy, and not me," he murmured. "Stop shaking, Valya. Everything's all right. I'm here."

I could feel the bile rising with every kiss and caress, but I swallowed it down, leaving a burning taste in my throat. I refused to open my eyes and bear witness to his actions.

Pavel pushed me toward my bed. He wasn't really thinking of...having...sex...with...me...? That wasn't what was supposed to happen.

I finally found my voice. "Stop, Pavel."

He didn't seem to hear me. Instead, he slipped his hand over the button of his pants.

---

"That's when it starts to get foggy," I whisper, hushed in tone, still shaking. "I don't remember...our first time together. I'm kind of glad I don't..."

"God Valya, how awful... You have to tell someone - "

"No, don't you see? I can't tell anyone! I can't ruin his career! I can't ruin my marriage!" I protest, shrilly. "I owe him that."

"You don't owe him a thing!" Viktor explodes. "That...freak owes you his dick and balls on a silver platter, THAT'S what he owes you!"

I close my eyes again. "I owe him my career, Kozzie."

"He's really got you scared and running, doesn't he?" asks Viktor, frowning at me. "He has you conditioned, like Pavlov's dogs."

I shudder and pull the comforters about my shoulders. "He was nice to me, even when he was doing these...things to me. He told me I was special and that he loved me. He would kiss me. I didn't want to feel anything. But he kept showing me kindness, and I began to wonder if maybe *I* was the one who was messed up and not him."

Viktor's eyes flash with anger. "Dammit Valya! Don't you see? He manipulated you into believing that...shit! We both know he's an asshole! Why are you defending him?"

"He's my brother."

"He's also your rapist," Viktor cries, shaking me.

"But he loves me," I whimper. I don't know what to think. One part of me wants to be loyal to him, and another part wants to skin him alive. Viktor's hands are still on my shoulders. "Don't touch me."

"What?" he asks, confused.

"Get your hands off of me." I pull away from him and leap out of bed. "Get out, Viktor. Go find someone else to room with."

"Why are you doing this?" he asks, standing up beside me. "You need help."

"Maybe I deserve Pavel. Ever think about that, Koz?" I ask, sharply.

"No one deserves that, Valya. Why don't you understand?" he asks.

I lower my head. "Maybe I deserve it. Please, just leave. I need to be by myself."

Viktor shakes his head at me, but storms out, slamming the door behind him. I crawl back into bed and pull the covers over my head.

---

Hands are shaking me.

"VALYA! HOW COULD YOU?!" a voice cries in my ear.

I roll onto my back. "Huh?"

"HOW COULD YOU?!"

I open my eyes. Pavel is sitting on my legs, his lip busted and bruised, and his eye swollen and purple. "What happened?"

"Kozlov! He knows!" he wails hysterically, hitting me in the chest with his fist. "HE KNOWS! YOU BETRAYED ME! YOU TOLD OUR SECRET!" Tears stream down his face, and he licks them off of his lips. "HOW COULD YOU?!"

"I'm sorry, Pavlusha, please don't be angry," I begin, and then I realise how much like Pavel I sound.

He stares at me, blinking his tears away. "I thought you loved me. You promised you'd never tell," he whines, dragging in a ragged breath, eying me accusingly. "You promised."

"Viktor caught me at a bad time! I was vulnerable!" I protest.

"You still told!" he cries.

"It just happened!" I try to push him off of me, but his weight is too heavy. "Get off of me."

"You make it up to me, and then I'll let you go," he snaps, lowering his voice to a murmur. His eyes flash, dangerously, and my heartbeat echoes in my ears.

"Pavel - "

"Call me Pavlusha," he demands, thickly, blue eyes so clear, I can see my frightened reflection in them.

"Pavlusha, please - "

He lowers his lips to my throat, ignoring me.

I just close my eyes and wish I was dead.

Part 6 | Part 8