"Love means never having to say you're sorry." - 'Love Story'

(Salo POV)

Mikael shoves the food around on his plate disinterestedly as I watch on from my side of the restaurant. He's sitting next to Mikael Renberg, who's eating cereal and reading the newspaper. Every now and then Mikael will look up from his plate and over at him. He has a confused, pained expression plastered on his face. He's betrayed Rennie, and in a way, betrayed himself. And I suppose he's confused as to why Rennie is still speaking to him.

Rennie's always had a bit of a temper, and from my conversations with Mikael about him, he's definitely the jealous type. So it's no wonder he's perplexed; Rennie doesn't even seem angry.

Renberg looks up from his bowl and gives Mikael a small half-smile. He says something, and I know this is it: he's going to explode.

But he doesn't. Instead he pulls Mikael's plate towards himself. He ruffles Mikael's hair tenderly and hands him his plate of toast.

I don't know what to make of it. Has he really forgiven Mikael? Or had he been setting himself for such a fall that he was already prepared?

Or did he not care because he knew Mikael had chosen him and not me?

//

The Germany game runs along smoothly as according to plan, and we're up 3-0, securing ourselves a top seed, and a low-seed draw. After the game, when the locker room's almost cleared out and the interviews are over, I decide that this is the most opportune time to talk to Mikael.

The goalies were all put in the back of the room, together along the wall. "Good game, eh?" I say to break the ice.

"Yeah," he says after taking a furtive glance in Rennie's direction.

"Look, about last night-"

"Is now really the best time to talk about it?"

I shrug my shoulders. "Why not? No one else is around or paying attention."

He sighs. "I'm sorry about-"

"About what? That you cheated on your boyfriend or that you kissed me?"

He raises his eyebrow. "Aren't they the same thing?"

I shake my head. "Why did you kiss me?"

"I don't know."

"Why did you kiss me?" I persist.

"I don't know," he lets out, frustrated. "It just happened, okay. It's not that big of a deal," he emphasizes with his hands.

"Is that what Mikael said?"

He sighs again. "We haven't…I mean, I…he said he still loves me. Last night, on the phone. And," his voice hitches, "I, I can't lose him, Tommy."

I glance over his shoulder to see Rennie staring back at me. The pain is evident in his eyes, and for a moment it shocks me, and causes me to lose focus for a second. "Do you love him?"

He hesitates.

"Does he love you?"

"Yes."

"Do you love him?"

"I thought I did. I think I do." He pauses. "People who love one another don't cheat on each other. They just don't. I just…why did I do it?" He sounds so defeated.

"You're twenty-one," I offer. "People make mistakes; this is only your first relationship. You're bound to screw up. I'm sure he understands that." I've struck a nerve, so I try to backtrack. "Everyone makes mistakes at some point in their life. It's only human. Mikael doesn't want a relationship with a perfect person. He wants a perfect connection with an imperfect person. He loves you."

He swallows. "I know that. I knew that. And I still kissed you. How do you forgive something like that?"

"When you love someone, it's easy."

"If he ever, I…I don't know if I could."

"You're not him. Besides, like you said, it's not that big of a deal."

"Then why do I still want to kiss you?"

His response shocks me, and I think my eyes widen. He stands up and, with his hands in his pant pockets, walks out of the locker room. I think I had Mikael pegged all wrong. He looks confused; Rennie looks defeated.

//

Because I'm an interfering bastard, I'm sitting across from Rennie in his room. I told Jorgen to split, which didn't take much effort since all the guys are out celebrating the day's win anyway. Now that I'm here, however, I've suddenly decided I don't want to be, so rather poorly, I try to start up a conversation about the Canadian team.

He doesn't respond, so I find myself staring at the floral pattern on the hotel comforter until he finally speaks up. "Why are you here, Tommy?"

"I-Mikael's a good kid, you know." He stares at me blankly, so I continue. "He's really, uh, upset about this whole situation. He's taking it pretty hard-"

"And what? You want me to lie to him and tell him it doesn't bother me that he kissed you?"

"No, I-"

"I'm not stupid, Tommy. He's twenty-one and this is his first relationship. He thinks he's in love with me because I'm in love with him and after three months "I like you" sounds trite and insignificant when your boyfriend keeps spouting the l-word. I'm new, this is nothing he's ever tried before, and he likes it. He may have feelings for me, but…

"But, he's still twenty-one. He wants to explore other things, other people, other relationships… He's twenty-one and he shouldn't feel tied down. He should feel free to explore those feelings."

"Then why are you still with him?"

"I love him."

I roll my eyes. "So what? You're just hanging around until the day he decides he wants to go out with someone else?"

"I love him. I'm always going to be there for him. He hasn't even come out to his-"

"What if he chose you?"

"What?" I don't know if it was my interruption or the question that caught him off guard.

"What if he chose you? Decided he loves you. Maybe there isn't some other guy out there-maybe he isn't looking to explore. Maybe he didn't kiss me."

"I'm sorry, what? He didn't kiss you?"

I smile ambiguously. "You have yourself in this mindset-you've already lost him; you don't even trust him anymore. You've set yourself up for this great big fall, prepared yourself for it. What if it never happens? What if he's in love with you? What if he isn't the one that ends the relationship? What if it's you?"

He looks entirely confused and I bite back a grin. "But I love him. I wouldn't--"

"You did. You are. You're pushing him away. What are you more afraid of? That he isn't in love with you or that he is?"

"He didn't kiss you?" he asks quietly.

"Why are you so afraid to let him love you?"

I've done my part and I open the door to leave when he opens his mouth. "Because one day he won't."

Part of me wants to smack him. Really. He's so caught up in what-ifs that he can't see the end of his own nose. Big freaking deal, Mikael kissed me. He wanted to kiss me. Sometimes lust is just lust, and it's uncomplicated. Sometimes it's something more, but rarely ever. 'And maybe he already doesn't,' is what I want to blurt out.

But I'm a goalie, so I always have to wait as long as possible before making my move. So, before I do, the compassionate part of my head shows up.

And then it passes. "And maybe today's that day. And he did kiss me. He kissed me right after you two had another fight. He was upset and he wasn't thinking, and he kissed me. Now that you know, go ahead and feel sorry for yourself. Pat yourself on the back for knowing he was going to screw up and preparing yourself for it. Tell me, Mikael, did it hurt any less? Or did it hurt more because you spent four months instead of one day dwelling over something you couldn't control?

"He's spent the last four months apologizing and trying to make up for something he didn't even do. He shouldn't have to say he's sorry now."

"I'm not asking him to."

"Then what are you asking for?" a voice behind me says, startling me. I whip around to see Mikael in the hall. I wonder how long he'd been there.

Rennie's silent for a second. He, too, seems shocked to see Mikael. He stares at him for a moment before finally answering. "Forgiveness."

Mikael takes a step forward so he's actually in the room and I step around him, closing the door behind me as I leave.

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