Tell me I will never die
Take away my pain
Rock me gently in your arms
Say that I'll remain in your keeping
Brush the hair out from my eyes
Read me a good story
Kiss my fingertips goodnight
Say that I can stay in your company
And I know this much is true
I have lived inside of you
You have always seen me through
While I am peacefully sleeping
You have always been my friend
I can see your beauty shining
I will love you 'til the end
Long will I remain in your keeping
And I know this much is true
I have lived inside of you
You have always seen me through
While I am peacefully sleeping
While I am peacefully sleeping
~Jann Arden, "In Your Keeping"

***

As I look back, I realise now that it was never going to work out. I was just so needy, and you were so willing to please, that we just...wound up together.

I saw all the warning signs, and I ignored them. I was stupid and in love.

And you wanted it so badly, that I gave all of me to you and had nothing left for myself.

***

When I made it to the pool, Dandenault and Maltby were all ready there, the center of attention. Each man had two bikini-clad puckbunnies hanging off of their arms.

I let out a little groan and sat myself under an umbrellaed picnic table, pulling out my book and Diet Pepsi.

"What you reading?" you asked, pulling up a seat beside me.

I held out my dog eared, well-worn book. "It's called the 'Dreyfus Affair'," I explained.

"What it about?" you asked, taking it from my hands and perusing the first few pages.

"It's about a baseball player named Randy Dreyfus. He fall in love with his second baseman," I explained.

"He gay?" you asked, handing over the book.

I nodded. "He is confused and messed up, like me," I said, opening to where my bookmark was.

"You read to me," you insisted, softly. "I like your voice. You read." You tapped your index finger on the picnic table.

I smiled, looking up at you as you tapped on the table. "All right, Maxie."

"No call Maxie," you said, blushing. "Is silly name. Only Tatiana call me Maxie."

'Tatiana,' I thought to myself, as I found where I'd left off the previous night, 'his wife.' I cleared my throat. "All right, here we go... 'D.J. smiled and resisted the temp-temptation to reach over and muss his hair, an affectionate gesture that he often did when they were alone. It was getting increasingly difficult to keep his hands off him in public.' Do you want me to go on?" I asked, sticking the bookmark back in between the pages.

"I want to read book, but my English isn't too good," you said, haltingly. You smiled, your chocolate brown eyes crinkling in the corners and shining mischievously.

"I can help you with English," I said, smiling. "I been here long enough, I pick up on words."

"Just swear words," you teased.

"But they are important words," I joked, checking my watch. "Want to go back to the room? I can help you study."

You nodded, standing up and grabbing your towel. "Okay, Fishy. We go now?" You gestured toward the door.

"Okay, we go." I nodded, closing my book and following after you.

===

As we got back to the room, I hoped it wasn't actually to study English. As you opened the door with your keycard, I prayed and hoped it was really because you shared the same feelings I did.

"So, what do you want to read?" I asked, dropping my book on the end of the bed.

You looked at me, eyes sparkling. "I not want to read."

I sputtered, pretending to be upset at having been inconvenienced. "You...you little sooka! You made me come all the way back here to..for what?! I was enjoying myself, reading by the pool - and you...!"

You met me in two quick strides, grabbing me around the waist. "I want you to teach me other things, Fishy."

"Like...like what, Max?" I asked.

"How to be gay," you said.

"You can't LEARN to be gay," I said, pushing you away, gently. "You're born gay, and either you are or you're not."

"I am then," you said firmly, folding your arms across your bare chest.

"Are you sure?" I asked.

"I know I am. I want to kiss you, touch you. That mean I gay, right?" you asked.

I sighed, shrugging my shoulders. Somehow, deep down, I knew this was going to happen, even though it was what I wanted. And somehow, I couldn't do it. "Max, you don't mean that. You don't want this. You're confused."

"I not confused. Don't talk to me as if I'm some sort of...stupid baby, Fishy. I want this." You moved toward me, touching my shoulder, and then the back of my neck.

I shuddered, and I decided then, right then, I would give in. I would do whatever you wanted. "Okay," I stammered, my voice sounding rough in my ears. "Okay. You can have me."

===

We kissed, our tongues probing the depths of one anothers' mouths. Your hands wandered my body, drinking in every inch of me, as I did the same.

"Jiri," you murmured, your lips mashed against my cheek, "I want you."

I smiled. "I know, Maxie."

"Only you can call me Maxie," you said, softly, smiling at me, brushing my hair away from my forehead.

We were in bed together, naked, entangled in the bedsheets, entangled in ourselves. You ran your hand over my chest, resting your chin on your fist.

I smiled. "What about Tatiana?" I asked.

"I tell her no call me Maxie anymore," you teased, kissing me again.

I liked how it felt. How it felt to be loved again. How it felt to be needed, special.

I forgot about everything else but being with you, and sharing myself with you.

I was so stupid.

Part 2 | Part 4