To say that this has not been my week would be an understatement. My apartment lost power. No, I don't know how, something about a line being down? Anyways, I've been staying with Dandy since we got back from Pittsburgh, and I'm absolutely dying. I can't get any space to myself, everywhere I go, someone else is there. It's driving me insane. I just need to be by myself so I can sort out everything that's happened, make sense of what I told Shanny, of how much he knows. And for that matter, how DID he know? I still haven't figured that one out...

Oh well. It doesn't really matter. He knows, and there's not much I can do about it now. It would be better if I could be alone, if I just had some space to calm down. But I don't, and I guess I'm just going to have to deal with that.

It doesn't really help that we haven't had a game in four days. Games are good, they take my mind off of all of this mess. So the fact that we have a game tonight should be a good thing, right?

Wrong.

He's HERE. He came to visit and to watch the game and my God, he looks so good. I can hardly stand to look at him, too afraid that he'll know by my eyes, that I'll give off waves.

Give off waves? Listen to me. I'm turning into Dandy. I can't help it though! I'm just...I'm so scared, because I think I could go on like this, with loving him and knowing he'll never feel the same, as long as he doesn't know. If he founds out...he'd either pity me or ridicule me, and I really don't think I could survive either one.

The game goes amazing well, I manage not to do anything too terribly stupid out of my fear of Steve watching me. Well, there was that penalty, but it wasn't really my fault. The locker room is a swarm of cheerful people and I just can't share in their excitement, I'm starting to get claustrophobic. I can't handle being around everyone anymore. I need to get away. "I'm gonna go get some fresh air," I tell Dandy, who nods at me. I hurry out of the locker room and duck into a deserted corner outside, breathing in the cool night air. It feels so good, the air, the space, just being by myself. Finally being alone.

I lean back, pressing my head against the cool side of the building. Maybe this is just what I needed, to get away from everyone.

"Hey."

The unexpected voice causes me to jump. I turn towards the direction it came from, hoping I heard wrong, hoping its any other voice than the one I know deep down inside it is.

Steve walks closer to me, a warm smile on his face. "Nice night, isn't it?"

Ok, I can do this. I can do this. I can get through this one conversation without panicking, without crying, without doing anything to give myself away. "Yeah, yeah it is."

"So." By this point, he's standing next to me. "How've you been?"

I blink. What the hell is going on? Why is Steve out her, talking to me...asking me how I'm doing? "Uhm, I'm ok, I guess."

Steve nods. "That's good. Congrads on your goal Saturday."

I blush. Something inside of me melts into a tiny puddle. "Thank you. I, uh, I was glad to be able to contribute."

"That was a reporter answer. That's the kind of answer you give to the newscasters who are interviewing you so you look like a team player." I can see his breath hang in the air as he sighs. "What's going on with you? You seem nervous. Shanny told me you were having some problems.."

Oh no, oh no. This is...he promised! Shanny promised not to tell him, and... and... oh my God. "He did?" I manage to get out.

Steve nods. "He wanted me to talk to you, to see if I could help."

To HELP? How is he supposed to help me with this? What purpose would there even be for talking to me about it except to humiliate me? I have to get this worked out. I can't have him hate me..."It's ok. I'll get over it. I promise. I...I'll...I'll stop.." I stammer.

Steve tilts his head. "You'll get over what?" He reaches out to touch my arm but I shy away. He can't touch me, I don’t know if I'll be able to handle it if he touches me.... "Are you hurt?" Steve asks me gently. "Did someone hurt you, Boyd?" I shake my head, unable to speak. I can't tell him that I'm the one hurting myself, that it's all my fault. "What is it, then? It's ok Boyd, you can tell me."

"You know, " I whisper. " You know, I know he told you, don't make me say it, please..."

He shakes his head. "No Boyd, I don’t know. What's wrong?" He reaches out to touch me again, but this time I bolt, desperate to be away from it. I know that its only a temporary reprieve, that I will have to face him someday, but I'm not ready yet, I can't deal with it while I'm like this. I can't let him see me cry, I can't humiliate myself any more in his eyes than I already have. I never should have let it get this far. I never should have told my secret...

Secret. Shanny PROMISED me he would keep it a secret. I run my hand over my face, wondering if Shanny is still in the locker room. Him and I need to talk.

I'm controlled by my fear
And all the voices in my head that I can hear...
I'm so sorry
Please don't hurt me
- Robbie Williams, "Love Calling Earth"

Part 8 | Part 10